Keeping the Mystery Alive
29 Jun 2025In today’s blog post I consider how and why one might keep the mystery alive in a relationship. I’ve come to think that keeping the mystery alive is, somehow, important. Here I talk about ways I’ve failed to keep the mystery alive, and why I make different choices now. Praise, condemnation, questions, and comments can be sent, as always via email
For some reason, when I got out of college, I thought it was a virtue of a relationship to rush into comprehensive intimacy as quickly as possible. I found myself jumping into a relationship where, within a matter of months, my girlfriend and I were acting like we had known each other for thirty years. I stayed at her apartment every night, I kept my main toothbrush at her place, I had an entire rack of clothes in her bedroom. We (her, I, and the cats) got matching pajamas at Christmas. We lacked any boundaries with each other. We got comfortable using the bathroom when the other person was brushing their teeth. I don’t think I showered alone for the entire duration of that relationship.
I don’t think this behavior is entirely out of sorts for couples (though perhaps we were prematurely familiar). But I have come to question whether it is good for the overall health of the relationship. When you’re in a relationship with someone, especially a serious long term relationship, you come to know that person intimately. All sorts of bodily fluids are exchanged, you see each other naked (physically and emotionally), and you see them all the time. It can be easy to think that all the barriers should be torn down, including the bathroom door.
I don’t, any longer, share the bathroom with my girlfriend when the toilet is in use. We brush our teeth together, but any discharge of bodily fluid happens behind closed doors. It keeps some amount of mystery alive. I may never know how my girlfriend pees. If I was the same person I was fresh out of college, I would think that something was wrong. That there was some familiarity that was lacking, that our intimacy is deficient.
I think instead that the willingness to keep some things behind closed doors is a sign of confidence in our bond. The instinct to rush into more and more, to constantly have new milestones to pass in the measures of familiarity is, I now think, indicative of an insecurity in the relationship. Inventing milestones, like the first time you peed in the same room, can be a crutch. By passing these superficial milestones two people can feel as though they are strengthening a relationship when really they’re just peeing.
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Some milestones can be meaningful, so long as they’re not rushed. Moving in together is a great example. You might choose to move in with someone after, let’s say, two years. The relationship is going well so far, and after a lot of thought you agree to move in together to see how you’re compatible in the same house before considering marriage. This is a meaningful step in a relationship, and a sign that your bond is growing stronger.
Consider, instead, a scenario where you’ve been dating someone for three months. The relationship is going well, but you’re still in the honeymoon phase. It’s hard to see how you could possibly know someone well enough at this point to know whether signing a lease together is a good idea. It seems more likely that signing a lease that early is a sort of romantic peacock maneuver. It’s a flashy way to say “Hey look how well we’re doing, and in such little time!” without doing any real emotional work to build a bond. All you need to do is put some money down and risk your credit.
I think a lot about a couple I had seen online who moved in together but maintained separate bedrooms. As far as they were willing to share on the internet, it was great. If they had a fight they could go cool off but still be in the same apartment if they wanted to talk. Sleeping in the same bed still had the feel of roughing it in someone else’s place, and they could change up whose bed they slept in. Intimacy and privacy in (seemingly) perfect balance.
The barriers will come down eventually. Assuming my girlfriend and I go the distance there will likely come a time where I’m changing her diapers and she’s popping pimples between my toes. There’s just no reason to rush it. Let the death of mystery be a slow process. There’s nothing wrong with a relationship where you wait to use the bathroom in each other’s company until necessity demands it. If you stay together long enough, you will learn everything about your partner. You might as well let the learning happen naturally.
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